Here's the thing... I have always wanted to be a mom and to have a big family. I know that I sound ungrateful for my chance to stay with my kids, I know that. I have felt guilty about this for about a year, but you know what? It still hasn't changed. I am beyond thankful that I was able to stay with my kids for the first years of their lives. I just do not find it fulfilling. The longer I do it, the less confidence I have in myself. Because of being a stay at home mom for the last 5 years, I constantly doubt my ability to do anything worthwhile outside of the house. I have gone to register for classes 3 times and each time I freak out that I can't do it and put it off another semester.
I always took pride in the fact that I was smart and I worked hard. I am also somewhat of a perfectionist. You want to know something? There is absolutely no such thing as a perfect mom. No matter how hard you try, there will be something you feel like you did wrong. Mom guilt is the biggest bitch in the world. So the fact that I can never get it all right kills me. What do I do? I don't bring anything into the house, even though my husband has never made me feel this way, it makes me feel useless.
I don't buy it.
Being a mom is a thankless job. This past weekend I took DJ to Chuck E Cheese by himself because he filled up his behavior chart and he chose to go there as his reward. We had so much fun, it was a great night. The next day? He didn't like me, I wasn't invited to his birthday party, and he wanted to live with my mom. I am always mean, apparently. I shouldn't care, but it drains me. I try to be a good mom. I try to take them to fun places, make them yummy treats, play with them, but it is never enough. Today Harlow had a massive fit because she didn't like her outfit. Her brand new outfit that she helped pick out on Tuesday. She told me "I don't want to go to school ever again"... because of her OUTFIT! She is 4, I should just look the other way, but in my mind I am just screaming... "I just paid too much for the outfit as it is, you can't be a little grateful??! I don't understand!!!!". I don't think I am overly needy, but sometimes I just want to feel appreciated for all that I do. I think that everyone needs some validation in their lives.
After school. I think the outfit is adorable!
Now, I am in NO WAY saying that stay at home moms have it harder than working moms or vise versa. 1. Because I don't believe in the mom wars. 2. I think that being a mom is hard no matter what. 3. Everyone is different, what one person loves, another might not. I am also not saying that I don't absolutely love being a mom, because I do. I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the world. What I am saying, however, is that if I end up being a stay at home mom for the rest of my life, I might kill myself. Agree or disagree, love it or hate it, that is my truth.
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