Can I Be Honest?

I love my kids more than life, I would do anything for them. I love being a mom, it is the best thing that ever happened to me. Sometimes I love them so much that I even think I want another one. But then they do something and I remember... kids are assholes. Call it what you want... sassy... spirited, it's all the same.

What? Don't act like that. You know it is true. Kids are assholes. Period. All kids.  If you are saying no, you are a liar... or you have a kid that doesn't move or talk yet. I would say you don't have kids, but if you don't have kids you have witnessed other kids. There is no exception to this.Now, don't get me wrong.  I love kids, I always have. But some things just have to be said.

Kids always make you seem like a liar. Example:
Mom- Hey Sally! Guess what little Jonny learned? He can count to 5! Jonny, count to five for Miss Sally!
Jonny- ***Blank Stare***

They are dirt balls. I don't know why I ever even bother to clean up the toy room. It is like I am issuing them a secret mission (secret because I obviously don't know about it) to see how fast they mess up everything that I just cleaned. Harlow likes to change her clothes 4 times a day. It is like she thinks she is doing me a favor. "Hey mom, I know how much to love to collect clothes, separate them, wash them, fold them, and put them away, so I am going to get as many clothes as I can dirty. No big deal, really." Dash has the opposite problem, he won't wear clothes ever. He always wants to be naked and now won't wear a diaper either (and he still won't go potty) so I am cleaning his sheets and the carpet.

2 different kids, same mess

Naked.

Also, they will embarrass you. No. Seriously, it will happen. Just the other day DJ pointed at a man and laughed saying he could "See his belly." Harlow always manages to ask women if they are a grandma. And Dash? He growls. His teacher actually told my mom at grandparents day that they are trying to get him to talk more and growl less. True story. Oh... and he also pulled the fire alarm.

Don't let those innocent faces fool you!

And curse one time. ONE freaking time. The kids will go tell dad, grandma, and their teachers. Never, ever get caught gossiping. It is the story that they will never forget.

Sleep. They don't. We went to St Louis and we forgot the pack and play (for non baby haver's that is a portable crib) and Dash stayed awake until 3:15am. Harlow then woke up at 7. Harlow always wakes up early, no matter when she goes to sleep. I don't get it. When does sleep become important?

The bedtime drama when we were in Dallas was pretty good.

They insult you, all the time. Examples. No, there is not a baby in my tummy. The dinner that I worked all day on is gross apparently, they want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead. I took Dash with me when I had to get a new bathing suit. This is not an exaggeration, he laughed at me every single time I tried one on. Thanks for killing the little confidence I had kid.

Harlow's not so flattering impersonation of Derrick.

When in public, they act like demon spawns. I don't know what it is, my kids can be so good all day... but let me take them to Target. It is like they have walked through some kind of personality changing portal and they lose all sense. "MOMMY! I want a cookie! Mom! How come Dash gets to sit in the cart, I WANT TO SIT IN THE CART." I won't do it anymore. I won't. I will do whatever it takes to not take them to the grocery store anymore. Nothing is worth it.

Now, I know kids don't mean to be assholes. We are all born that way. We just learn how to do it quietly as we get older... well some of us. I, for one, have mastered the skill.