PitchWars 2016 #PimpMyBio

All right stop.

Collaborate and listen.

Alexa's back with a brand new submission.

Yes, I could have added a cool, old school Vanilla Ice gif. 

However, the one with him dancing with a lady, surrounded by mac and cheese, 

just fits my life so much better.

Well, first things first, my name is Alexa Martin. I am a Denver, CO native currently living in Wyoming, still trying to adjust to a life with no Target. This is my first year participating in PitchWars and I could not be more excited. 

About me

1- I am married to my high school sweetheart and together we have 4 of the cutest kids ever.

Proof. 

Aren't they the cutest?!

2- I am a stay at home mom. I don't divide my days by morning and night or am and pm. Instead, I use coffee time and wine time- coffee until I can drink wine and vice versa. In addition to mom, I am also a part time referee. There is nothing like sibling fights, something this only child was not prepared for.

Morning

Sometimes, when your coffee machine is broken and you have a baby who hates to sleep, 

you strap on that moby wrap and walk your butt towards the caffeine. 

Night

Also note the messy bun and no make up. 

Not pictured- leggings. 

*I am a strict follower of the mom uniform*

3- I love to read. Not like that's a surprising revelation about a person entering PitchWars. The thing is, I didn't always like to read. I mean, I guess I did, I just never made the time for it. That is until one day, a random trip to Target resulted in the purchase of 50 Shades of Grey. I affectionately refer to that series as my gateway drug. I love romance novels and though sometimes I venture outside of my cozy little genre (Mindy Kaling's books are high on my favorite list)... I am a pretty faithful lover of all things smut. 

Why I keep my kindle hidden.

4- I am pop culture obsessed. Real Housewives? Count me in. What's my favorite season? Easy. All of them. Taylor Swift? Girl squad for life. Justin Bieber? Call me a freaking Belieber. I would say they are guilty pleasures, but I actually have zero guilt. 

5- I can solve a rubik's cube. Well, not really... but I did solve a rubik's cube once. My 8 year old got one for Easter and we obsessed over figuring it out for weeks. I spent hours (more than acceptable) watching a 25 minute youtube tutorial until one day while he was at school, I finally finished it. It felt like a really big deal. But like anything when it comes to a mom trying to impress her kids, he was not nearly as impressed as I thought he would be. 

When I commit, I COMMIT.

6- For 8 years, my husband played in the NFL and it was a great time in our lives. I made amazing friendships, lived in fantastic places, and was able to experience things that I never dreamed of. The main character in my book is also a football wife, she just has a drastically different perspective about it. She is a football wife who hates nothing more than being a football wife. 

7- Writing is that piece of me that is purely me. It isn't about my husband or kids. When I write I am not Derrick's wife or DJ, Harlow, Dash, and Ellis's mom. I am Alexa, just Alexa. What people don't tell you when you are having kids is how easy it is to lose yourself. You spend all of your time taking care of everyone but yourself and before you know it, your entire identity is wrapped up in somebody else. I was lost and through reading and writing, I found myself again. 

Love these faces to the moon and back, but I also love to write. 

And that is ok. I can be more than 'Mom'

8- My tastes vary greatly. 

Right now, my playlist consists of Sam Hunt, DNCE, X Ambassadors, Rihanna, Lorde, Justin Bieber, and all things Adele.  

My favorite tv shows aren't any different. You can currently find me making my way through every season of The Good Wife. A few of my other favorites are The Mindy Project, Grey's Anatomy, Scandal, Fixer Upper, KC Undercover (What can I say? I'm still a sucker for Disney Originals.) and Outlander.

My all time favorite movie is Crazy. Stupid. Love. I could watch it everyday and never get tired of it. Also up high on my list are The Time Traveler's Wife, Ghost, The Duff, Pitch Perfect, The Express, and Beyond the Lights.

My PitchWars Submission

Marlee Alexander has a life that everyone around her envies. Married to her high school sweetheart, she is the now one half of the NFL’s golden couple. Big house? Check. Nice car? Check. Happiness? Not so fast.

Desperate to escape pressures of living a life in the public eye, Marlee runs across the country to her best friend. While she expected a week of dancing, drinking, and the occasional cupcake, she didn’t at all imagine the tall, blue-eyed man who would come crashing into her world.

Gavin Pope sees straight through the plastic smile that Marlee has perfected over the years. He helps her remember who she is outside of being a football wife. He reminds her that she deserves more than public adoration and the private shame of an unfaithful husband. He gives her hope for more.

How silly of her.

Before she knows what—or who—hits her, her marriage goes from bad to catastrophic and her husband’s antics rise from cheating to bruises. Marlee knows she has to leave, but when the fans who once loved her and the media who respected her turn on her, Gavin is the only person she can lean on.

Although Gavin says all the right things, nothing he does can take away Marlee’s fears that he is too good to be true. With secrets still lurking in the dark, she knows that once they are exposed, she won’t be the one sent running. The world already thinks she blew her chance at a happily ever after, but what they don’t know is that her story was only just beginning.

INTERCEPTED, a contemporary romance novel, is complete at 98,000 words. It is itching to be seen and read by fresh, talented eyes!

As a mentee, I am dedicated, hard working, and extremely eager to learn. Not only do I appreciate criticism and critique, I crave it. I would work harder than you can imagine and love every single second of it. Plus, I have been training for long nights and no sleep for the last 8 years, so I am ready to hit the ground running. 

Thank you so much for reading!

Baked With Love

As you all know, school is in session. DJ is in second grade and Harlow is in first grade. The school they go to is very strict about their no peanut policy. No peanut products are allowed in their school at all. Now let me just say, I have no problem with this policy. It is scary enough to send your child to school knowing that they are healthy, I can't imagine how terrifying it would be sending you child to school not knowing if somebody else's lunch could cause a major allergy attack. BUT, Harlow is kind of a pain in the ass, the only sandwich she will eat is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. DJ? He will eat whatever I send him, no big deal. 

#True

So at the beginning of the school year I started making baked goods to put in the girl's lunch box. Pumpkin bread, strawberry bread, zucchini bread, blueberry muffins, the list goes on and on. This way she has a decent lunch even without a crappy sandwich and I feel like a kinda awesome mom. I mean, I deserve extra mom points for homemade goodies in the lunch box. Right?

According to my kids? Wrong. 

Why are kids such assholes? Seriously. I let Harlow pick out what I make. We go on pinterest, I look up muffins or bread, she picks what she wants, and then I make it for her. I pack her lunch and send her on her way in her adorable, matching, personalized (overpriced) Pottery Barn backpack and lunchbox. Then she comes home from school with half or all of her treat still in it. My muffins were too moist (for all of you who hate that word, moist moist MOIST!!!!!!). Seriously???? How is that a complaint?

Matching backpack/lunchbox filled with goodies.

Ellis is just getting over a bug. She had a fever for 3 days and would not be put down. She was adorably cuddly, but made it very difficult to get anything done. When her fever broke at 9pm the other night, she was up until almost midnight feeling happy and ready to party. Why am I telling you this? Because we were out of baked goods and I needed to make Princess Harlow her requested chocolate chip pumpkin bread. I was up until 1:30 making it for her. 

 Drinking box wine out of a plastic cup waiting for the bread to bake. Note my awesome nursing bra... 

2 loaves of chocolate chip pumpkin bread fresh out of the oven at 1am.

Gratitude?

Nope. When I picked her up from school yesterday she informed me that "There weren't enough chocolate chips and it wasn't how I liked it." 

One day they will appreciate me, right? Like when they are grown ups and tired and hungry and spending $5 on dry baked goods. They will think, "Damn, I wish I was still 6 and my mom made me those awesome, moist baked goods that were infused with love." That's going to happen. Somebody PLEASE tell me that will happen.

If you, too, would like to test the gratitude levels of your child, here are some of my favorite recipes that I have made so far.

Strawberry cream cheese bread. This was awesome. I accidentally put in 8 ounces of cream cheese instead of 4 and had to double the recipe. 

Pumpkin chocolate chip bread. This is quick, easy, and makes 2 loafs. I feel like there is something missing and there is probably a better recipe, but it isn't bad at all. It's great in the morning with coffee and isn't too sweet. Harlow would add more chocolate. 

Blueberry Lemonade Muffins. Derrick and DJ do not like blueberries and they were too moist for Harlow, I however, love blueberries and non-dry muffins. These were amazing and I want to make them again just looking at them. But since I am the only one who eats them, I cannot make them again because then I will eat a dozen muffins by myself and that is an entirely different issue. 

First Grade Tribulations

This move has been hard on everyone, but in particularly difficult for Harlow. I never realized how shy she was until recently. In Colorado, she attended the same school, with the same kids since she was 2, here, she knows nobody (and unfortunately, she hasn't been invited to a kickass book club like I was.). I thought that once she was in school for a week, she would come home telling me about all of her new friends. She is smart, funny, sassy, basically everything that I look for in a friend. I know I am her mother, but it's still the truth. She is a badass.

I think she might just be selective, she knows the kids, she just isn't sure *she* wants to be friends yet.

So after a week of her reporting that she talked to kids but "they still aren't my friends" I started to get a little concerned. I am a mama bear. I want my kids happy and when I can't do anything about it, it gives me anxiety. But when she came home and tearfully told me that two little boys picked on her at lunch by chasing her and pinching her? I lost my fucking mind. I know that some people like to say this is how boys show little girls that they like them, but I will NEVER tell my daughter that someone shows her affection by treating her poorly. No, nope, not a chance. So emails were sent, teachers were talked to, and DJ (my sweet boy) promised to keep an eye on her at recess.

Fast forward to today. The boys have been leaving her alone, but today they were late to school (I didn't drop them off) and apparently they ran into one of the boys walking to class. DJ reported this to me in the car after I picked them up. The conversation went as followed.

DJ- We saw the BULLY at school today. 

Me- You did? What happened?

DJ- He tried to mess with Harlow. He said "Hey, Lady." and I said "Don't mess with my sister!!!!!"

Harlow- He said that to you.

DJ- No, he said 'lady' and I am not a girl.

Harlow- I know, he was making fun of you.

DJ- What? I thought he said it to you.

Harlow- Well, I am a woman.... so I am not really sure.

I could not stop laughing. I should probably have taken this more seriously, but I think they handled it pretty well. And I guess my 5 year old is now a woman.... sooooooo.... yeah.

Also, Harlow had her first soccer practice tonight and did great! She had so much fun and made friends! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Also, the fact that she enjoyed soccer is a huge win considering when I told her I signed her up she started crying hysterically, yelling "You didn't even ask me!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Drama starts young with these girls.

Girl Power!

Life Changes

Well, folks. We moved.

To Wyoming.

Yeah.

That is probably all that needs to be said, but if I am writing a blog about it, there is more that needs to be said.

When you move, there are obvious changes: new house, new school, new job. But there are other changes that people downplay. Changes that people think you will just get over... but sometimes these changes are a big deal people! Stop downplaying my issues!

Well, here is how my life has changed since moving to good old Wyoming, which I was informed is the most republican state in the nation, the home of Dick Cheney, and most importantly... where the Sister Wives are from. Seriously, those were the selling points that somebody told me.

1- New stores. There is no Target. Now if you know me, you know this is a big fucking deal. Target was MY sister wife. She listened to me. She was always there for me when I was bored. She fulfilled me on a level that is impossible for others, but that bitch also stole alllll my money. Now I have to choose between Walmart and Kmart. There is no win there. This walmart does have a Dairy Queen, though.... so there's always that I guess. #EatYoFeelings

One problem with walmart. Seriously, how is a food aisle RIGHT next to shoes? Couldn't they stick paper towels or something in between?

2- New Friends. Ok, full disclosure, I didn't have many friends in Colorado, but I did have some friends. And I also knew places to go to see said friends. It was just nice having the option. Here? I had no friends. Not until Derrick signed me up for a book club without asking me. I hate meeting new people, it gives me serious anxiety. I was NOT thrilled that my husband had me going to a book club with a group of strangers and I didn't have a chance to read the book. I must thank my husband now. My new friends are the shit. They are smart, fun, and all over 60. Not lying. All my friends here are retired or thinking about retirement. I went to bookclub with Ellis and they flocked to her crying "Oh we're all grandma's here! Hand her over!" Fantastic. I love them and I aspire to be them. One just got her doctorate. One introduced a curriculum at the high school to get kids emt certification. One has been a nutritionist since the 70's, is now fighting monsanto and has a son who is a priest in Rome.

#SquadGoals

3- Coffee. Now this might not make much sense, but I decided before we moved that I when we did I was not going to drink Starbucks. I was going to find a locally owned coffee place and start going there. Let me just say, mission accomplished. I love my new coffee shop. It isn't overpriced, the coffee isn't burned, the people are SOOOOO nice (actually just about everyone I have met has been extremely friendly), and they have a punch card. Starbucks who? In the words of my girl T. Swift, we are never, ever, ever getting back together. Except on road trips and vacations and every other time I am not in Wyoming.

4- We are living in a 900 sq ft apartment until our house is finished being built. All 6 of us and a german shepherd. Do you understand that? It is awful. But there is a liquor store down the street. The other day I walked there and bought box wine. I used to be a fancy drinker, now I use a tab to pour my wine. WHO AM I?!?! I shop at Walmart and drink box wine? I need an intervention.

The old me. 

The new me.

We have only been here for 2 months, but here's to hoping I don't end up looking like this by the time we leave and ending up on somebody's blog! Cheers!

Silly Mommy, Summer Break is for Kids!

So my kids have officially been on summer break for 10,000 years now. Nope, sorry, I mean 3 weeks. What the hell?

This is my life:

Yes!!! It's Sunday! School tomorrow. Wait. It's summer. Dammit! 

Yes! It's Friday, the weekend is here. Wait! Weekends don't mean shit. Dammit!

You guys, summer is kicking my ass.

I feel like I have been thrown into the olympics without ever training. Other moms are running laps around me, doing flips, performing perfect 10 dives into the pool. I'm over here counting down the hours until bedtime, wondering when my kids got too old for naps.

Again, summer is kicking my ass.

I have found lots of these ninja shots on my phone from Harlow. I think she might be calling them "The Summer Chronicles: Mom's Pajamas"

I am trying to remember all the awesome stuff I did when I was a kid, because I remember summer being AMAZING, but I can't. So I think I have hyped it up so much in my head and I see all these moms just killin it, that I have put a little too much pressure on myself. I think I might have watched a lot of Rugrats when I was a kid. But now, tv is the reason that kids are dying. I want to send them outside, but I have the wrong sunscreen and it is the reason kids are dying. I want to bake cookies and go get ice cream, but sugar is the reason kids are dying. Basically, it's a miracle that I survived.

Apparently, summer has always kicked my ass.

In case any moms are in the same ship this summer (S.S. Summer of broken dreams), I thought I might share some of the activities that have worked for us. None of these are extremely creative or hard to do, which will either be appreciated... or not.

1) Trips to the park/playground. We do this everyday, there is just something about getting out of the house that stretches your sanity.

2) Going to the library... this can be difficult. Taking 4 kids to a place were silence is desired is not the most relaxing task.

3) Running through the sprinklers

4) Ikea. You think this is a joke, but it is not. Free child care for an hour. Yes, please, I will take it. The kids all had a blast.

5) Sidewalk chalk.

6) Experiments. We made Gak. I used this recipe. I gave each kid a cutting board or cookie sheet and got out the cookie cutters. Hours of fun. Not exaggerating.

7) Drive in movies. I forgot how much fun these are and the kids don't have to be quiet.

8) Target dollar spot. They have great backyard toys and my kids love them!

9) School work. Again, not joking. My kids love it when they "play school". This website has lots of activities to print out and give them so that their brains don't turn to mush this summer. I have pinned lots of free printables, as well.

10) Scavenger hunts.

11) Splash parks are a personal favorite of mine. My kids have fun in the water and I don't have to put on a bathing suit. #Winning

12) Lemonade stands.

13) Water balloon fights.

14) Rainy day activity, make a book. Let them them tell you a story. Type it for them, then print it out and have them illustrate it. It will be their favorite bedtime story for weeks!

15) Learn something new! Derrick took the boys golfing and I am signing Harlow up for a tennis clinic.

16) Trips to the liquor store. Do that without the kids though ;)

If I come across more successful sanity savers, I will be sure to share them.

Over Confident

April 28th

Derrick went out of town. I was kind of terrified. It was the first time I would have all 4 kids by myself for an extended period of time. We dropped him off before school and he comes back this afternoon, so not too long, but enough to make me extremely nervous.

Cute, but scary.

And you know how I did? I rocked it. Hard core.

Harlow and DJ had school, so it was just Dash, Ellis, and I. We went to Starbucks (duh), we played, we made this delicious peanut butter pumpkin bread, Dash took a nap at the same time as Ellis and I was able to write yesterday's blog. Then we were on time picking up DJ and Harlow from school and EARLY to karate (that didn't happen when I just had 3 kids). We came home, homework was done with zero complaining, dinner was made, an intense game of basketball was played, and bedtime wasn't too horrible.

Dash converted his apron to a super hero cape after we were done baking

It was freaking awesome. I was so proud of myself. I got Ellis to sleep and watched The Voice and 19 Kids and Counting thinking, "Why did you doubt yourself, Alexa? This is cake." I was even thinking it went so smoothly and pretty boring that I didn't know what I would write my next blog about.

Not so fast, Alexa Martin... Not so fast.

April 29th

It happened so fast and so suddenly that I am still a little confused thinking back on it. Here is some of the text message I sent Derrick after the storm had settled (excuse the typos, I was tired):

12:02. That is not an exaggeration. I have a hard time sleeping when Derrick is not here and I always leave our dog out. So when I heard movement and he started barking and growling, I almost peed my pants. It freaked me the hell out. I kept asking who it was, but Dash never said anything. I don't know why my kids are trying to send me to an early grave. So Dash finally comes around the corner and tells me that he threw up. Poor guy. I ask him where, he said his bed. Poor mom. 

You see, my boys share a room now that Ellis is here and they have bunk beds. Not a normal bunk bed where it is pretty open. No, no, no. That would be too easy. They have a fire house bed and the top is totally enclosed except the end where you climb in and a tiny little window on the side. Now, when we were buying the bed, being closed in is what sold me. My boys are insane and scared of nothing, so I didn't want multiple jump points on the bed. What didn't even cross my mind is that if they got sick, it was a serious process to get out of bed. Once DJ called me to his room saying his tummy hurt. By the time I was telling him to get out of bed it was too late I was *this close* to being covered in puke. I dodged it at the last second and sacrificed my carpet. This time it was IN HIS BED! So I had to climb up and was enclosed in the puke bed. It was awful. 

 See the window? The incident happened right there.

The boys their first night sharing a room

Thankfully DJ slept through this because it has been a fear of his since they started sharing a room. Every time Dash even hints about a tummy ache, DJ panics... "Maybe Dash should sleep on the floor mom. Maybe Dash should sleep in your room mom. I just don't want him to throw up on me.". Now I understand that it was a valid fear because Dash threw up right by the window that looks over DJ's bed. I was trying to find Dash's sleeping bag, but I couldn't so he ended up in a Cinderella sleeping bag just outside of his bathroom door just in case he got sick again. 

Poor guy.

Now of course, it would have been way too much to ask that Ellis sleep through this. As soon as I climbed into the bed to start cleaning, Ellis lost her mind. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. I swear she is the happiest, best baby in the world, but the only time she gets really pissed is when I can't get her right away (because I just started cleaning the chicken for dinner or vomit out of the bunk bed). So I finally get Dash squared away and get to her. Usually she calms down as soon as she is picked up, not this time. Nope. Not this time because she was soaked. Totally peed out of her diaper. Ughh! WHY?!?!? Why at 12:30 am???? Also, my boob pad shifted and I didn't realize it until the left side of my shirt was soaked #MomProblems.

So after I finally get her clean, changed, and back to sleep it is after 1. And I realized that I was way too confident and life had to slap some reality back into me. Don't worry, it will never happen again. Trust me... NEVER AGAIN! 

#MomLife

So sorry if you are a non-mom reader of this blog, but I have a 7 week old and basically all I think about is babies and kids all day, errrday. Speaking of, I never introduced our family's newest member! Here she is, Ellis Lane Martin.

My littlest love!

Before Ellis joined us, I had 3 days a week where all of my kids were in school and I got some alone time and grownup time. That has now disappeared and I am in a constant state of #momlife. I love it, but that doesn't mean that there aren't times when I laugh at the craziness. Being a mom you do things that you NEVER thought you would do... ever. Here are 5 examples that have happened to me lately.

1- Poop rules your life. Seriously. This is not something that moms make up or exaggerate at all. From the second they are born, it's all about poop. The tar poop (just like it sounds), how many poops, how often they poop, the color of their poop. You examine diapers, you check the consistency. Writing it, it sounds disgusting. Do it though? You don't even think twice. Welcome to motherhood.

2- Lack of sleep changes a persons priorities. The other night Ellis woke up for her 3am feeding. She finally was falling asleep about 45 minutes later when she decided to spit up over my shoulder and all on my sheets. It didn't wake her up though... in fact, it made her sleep better. I transferred her to her bassinet and contemplated changing the sheets, but instead decided that sleep was way more important. So the answer? I moved down my pillow so it covered the spit up and went back to sleep. Yup. That happened and I didn't regret it at all.

3- Caffeine. That's all that needs to be said. It is a necessity. I limit myself to 1 cup a day because I am nursing and I don't want it to keep Ellis awake, but it happens everyday. One day I wanted coffee and we were out of it at home. So instead of saying forget it, I strapped Ellis in the moby wrap and walked to Starbucks. A 3.5 mile walk for coffee. I looked freaking ridiculous. Where do you see a person walking down the street with a baby strapped on her chest, an iPhone in one hand, and a Starbucks cup in the other? Only in the suburbs. If I saw someone walking down the street looking like I did, I would have taken a picture and mocked them on the internet. I feel like it is only fair that I still do that.

And now you see why I always have bangs.

4- Self image loses it's importance. Showers are not as important as sleep (refer to number 2) so they do not happen daily. See the above picture. The sunglasses are hiding the bags. The glare from my forehead is blinding. My previous blog I posted a picture of myself in bed with no makeup on and my hair crazy. That's how I always look. Sometimes I put on tinted moisturizer. Go me. But... my baby is crazy adorable which totally balances things out (at least that's how it works in my mind). 

5- Boobs are no longer sexual... at all... ever again... in life. Breastfeeding is crazy. At the beginning it hurts so bad, then that stops. Then you become obsessive about your supply and are constantly drinking water and lactation smoothies. Then you lose all of your modesty and just whip out your boob like it's nothing. In my house, it is nothing. My kids went from "Eww mom, you're gross" the first time they saw, to hearing Ellis crying and telling me "Ellis needs some boob, mom.". Thanks guys. 

So there you go. This describes all of my life lately. Sleep, caffeine, poop, boobs, and maybe throw in a shower. Again, you will totally understand if you are a mom.... at least I hope so and I am not all alone on the crazy train.